Reasons to live for
by cooookiemonster
Summary: What does she life for? Santana's life is a hell and she's ready to end it. But then she gets to know a tall blonde. Rated M because of thoughts of suicide, maybe suicide, rape and to be on the safe side. Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or any character of it.
1. Chapter 1

A.N.: Hey guys. First of all English isn't my first language so there are certainly many mistakes in it. This was planned as a one shot but maybe I'll continue if you guys want.

Review and tell me.

Summary: What does she life for? Santana's life is a hell and she's ready to end it. But then she gets to know a tall blonde.

Rated M because of thoughts of suicide, maybe suicide, rape and to be on the safe side. Planned as a one shot, maybe it'll be continued.

Reasons to live for

My whole life I just tried to be strong. To act like nothing happened. To survive every day. But now I don't have a reason anymore. Because she was my only reason. But she left me. Let me alone with him.

I look at the razor in my hand.

I could end this. Now. What do I have to live for? Everyone hates me. And they're right with what they say. I'm an infamous slut. I take a deep breath. You can do that! I keep engaging myself but I can't move my arm to do the final cut. It's like I'm freezed.

As I hear the door opening I am brought out of my thoughts. I don't know how long I stood there but I figure that it was at least one hour. Whatever, now that my dad is home it has to wait. Just cool down. You survived it like a thousand times so that one you going to survive this last time too. Tomorrow, the last day of pretending everything is fine, the last day of pain. So I just put on a fake smile and go downstairs knowing what will happen.

My body hurts as I wake up. 7 am. Time to get up and get ready for school. I feel a sharp pain in my stomach as I try to stand up. There's a big bruise right where the pain comes from and suddenly everything from last night comes back to me.

_"Please dad no!" I hear myself beg nearly to cry. He just looks at me. His expression is cold and without any mercy. He just takes the money and nod at him to take me. I feel disgusting as the guy already undress me with his eyes. As soon as we are in the bedroom he starts to kiss me. I try to pull away but he's stronger and at least an inch higher than me. As he pushes me hardly on the bed I begin to cry hysterically. "Shut up little bitch!" I hear the guy say as he opens his jeans. I want to take the chance that he has no hands free to run away but I can't move, my body is completely numb. I just lay there with closed eyes hoping that it's over soon as he undresses me._

I feel that I begin to cry again so I quickly stand up ignoring the pain. Looking at my body I realize that I have almost everywhere bruises, even a few cuts on my legs and chest. I pick long clothes so that the most bruises are covered. With makeup I try to cover the rest with medium success. Hopefully nobody notices them, but they didn't care at other times, why should they today?

I come to school late so there's nearly nobody still in the halls. I quickly grab my books from my locker and run to my class. Luckily I arrive just as the same time as the teacher. "That was luck miss Lopez, the period started five minutes ago."

"I know, I'm sorry. It won't happen again." I answer her quickly. "It's okay. Sit down."

I do as I was told. Only now I see the tall blonde standing next to my teacher. She has beautiful blue eyes and long curly blonde hair. I fall in love with her as soon I see her, as a friend of course. I don't even believe myself that, but I'm straight right?

"Guys, this is Brittany. She moved here from Philadelphia. Santana, would you please be so nice and show her the school and help her if she has questions?"

"Sure" I answer smiling like goofy. She has to think I'm super stupid grinning like that. But she's so beautiful.

The rest of the period I spend with starring at Brittany. And as our sights meet and I get a look in her wonderful blue eyes I know, there are still reasons to live for.


	2. Chapter 2

**A.N.: Hello again! Here's the next chapter like you wanted. Please review. I would love to hear your opinion. Do you guys want it more dramatic or more happy?**

Chapter 2

I look up as I feel someone tapping on my shoulder. It's Brittany. I look on my watch only to see that the period is already over for like five minutes. Damn, did she see that I was staring at her? Hopefully not.

"H-Hey. D-Do you want me to show you the sch-school?" I stutter out. Why am I nervous? I'm Santana freaking Lopez, I'm not nervous about talking to anyone.

"Yeah that would be cool." She smiles. Gosh, her smile is beautiful.

"Then let's go."

The rest of the day goes smoothly. After School I have cheerios practice and book club.

Brittany asked if she can join me and honestly, I hoped that she would ask.

"You don't really look like you would joining a book club honestly." She says shyly smiling as we walk down the hall to reach the library.

"I know, but I kind of like it to read." I say. Of course that's not the case, I hate books and there are only nerds. But I can't tell her the real reason, that I just want to be at home the least as possible. That I want to see him the least possible.

"I do to." She says. " May I ask you something?" I simply nod. "I heard you were pretty good in Spanish, so I just wanted to ask if you could tutor me? You don't have to when you don't have time for that or something, but I really could need help since I'm new here and not on the same level as the rest of the class." Could that even get better? I would love to spend time with her, but didn't want to ask since this is the first day I know her.

"I would love to, Brittany. I'm fluent in Spanish so that shouldn't be a problem." I try to hide my big smile but I don't think it works very well. " How's tomorrow after school? I don't have anything then." "That's fine. Thank you so much." She squeals and hugs me. Ouch, that hurts. I almost forgot about my injuries but now I see everything again. Him. Me. Yesterday evening.

As Brittany pulls away I breathe heavily.

"Is everything okay? You look kind of pale." She asks gently with a hint of worry in her voice.

"I'm fine. I just feel a little dizzy." I can tell that she don't believes me, but she doesn't say anything.


	3. Chapter 3

**A.N.: Hello again! Here's the next chapter. I'm not really sure where this is going, I just write what comes to my mind. Sorry that it took a few days for me to upload, but I'm kind of busy. I think the next chapter will be uploaded on Friday or Saturday. Have fun reading :D**

**Disclaimer: I forgot that the last times but of course I don't own Glee or anything that has to do something with it :(**

Chapter 3

I'm feeling horrible. My life is horrible. But every time the razor touches my skin Brittany's face appears in my mind and I am not able to do it, to do anything. I don't know if I should blame her or thank her. She makes me stay in a place I never wanted to be again. I should hate her, right? But I can't. I feel a little smile coming from my lips as I think of her. I would do anything to get to know her, but I don't think that she would want to do anything with me when she sees what a mess I am, and I couldn't blame her for that. So there isn't a point in staying for her, my head tells me. But my heart whispers that there's always a chance. Like in a trance I pack the razor away. When I come in my room I see that it's shortly after midnight. I lay down in my bed but there's no chance that I'm able to sleep now. I need to feel something. I look at the razor on my nightstand. I don't feel the urge to end me. Not this time. But I want to feel less pain. Otherwise I break down. I sigh with relief when I feel the razor cuts my skin. The moment when the blood drips on the floor it's like a huge burden had been lifted from my shoulders. But that's only a moment. After a few second it's all coming back to me. But I feel a little better than before.

In the morning I have a little problem with getting up, I'm so tired. But the thought of seeing Brittany again makes everything better. After I managed somehow to get up and to get myself ready I pull into the driveway of the school. Brittany is already standing at the front door of the school obviously waiting for me. I smile. No one ever did something like that for me. I know that sounds weird but I never really had friends. When I was younger my dad kept me away from every other child and well I think I never learned to trust somebody. But with Brittany, I don't know, it's like we knew us forever. I wave at her while walking to her. I suddenly realize that I waved with the arm where my scars are. I quickly draw down the sleeve of my jacket. Hopefully she didn't see them.

"Hey. Did you wait for me?" I ask like a dork, of course she did.

" Hi, yeah I did. We have first period together so I thought it would be nice." I smile.

"Thank you. Let's go to the locker, I need my book." I start to walk away, but she hesitates.

"Why don't you come?" I ask afraid of the answer.

"Santana... I-I saw your arm..." Shit, she saw it. I want to tell her but it's all too much for me, at least now.

"It's nothing, just a little scratch. No need to worry."

I try to reassure her, but it seems like it doesn't work. She's still starring at me with a more than worried look.

"It didn't look like nothing, San. What's going here?" She asks almost a little bit demanding.

I look down.

" Look at me, San." I do as I was told, but when I look in her beautiful blue eyes and see all the worry in them I can't lie to her.

" Can we talk? I mean somewhere alone, you know?" I ask without knowing what I'm doing.

"Sure. We'll skip class and go to the auditorium. There's certainly nobody in there at this time."


	4. Chapter 4

**A.N.: I'm so sorry that I didn't upload earlier!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or something :'(**

**Review and tell me what you think :D**

Santana's POV:

As we reach the auditorium I suddenly understand what I did. I told her that we would talk! How the hell can I explain the scars without telling her everything? There's no way not to tell her that I cut since it's obviously but she'll ask why. And I don't have an answer to that. If I would tell her I would put her in danger too. It doesn't bear contemplating what he would do with her if he would find out that I told her. I begin to feel sick at the thought, I could never do that to her. But it's really hard for me to lie to those eyes. I follow her as he goes to sit down on the stage the whole time thinking about how I could possibly explain the scars. Damn it , I simply should have been more careful! I don't know how to start this so I keep looking at the ground till she speaks up.

"Did you... I mean did you do that to yourself?" Her voice is weak as she says it. I immediately can tell that she's about to cry. I only know her since yesterday but I already don't want her to be sad or even cry. I can't help but feel guilty as I look up and really see a tear rolling down her cheek.

"Yes... I was... I don't know..." My voice is so low that I even doubt that she heard me, but I see in her eyes that she did. It's like if I have known her forever. I want to look down again but for whatever reason I can't break the eye contact. "Why?" I swallow hard, I mean I knew this question would come but I hoped it would not. "I-I don't know... I was just so desperate... Everything went wrong..." I feel that I begin to cry. I want to tell her the truth so badly, but I just can't. "Shh... don't cry. I know we've known each other only for two days, but I... I like you Santana. And I don't want that anything happens to you... Please don't do it again, please..."

"I... I like you too... I promise I'll try..." I flinch shortly when she hugs me but I relax soon in her embrace. I don't know how she does it but I do feel better now. And she likes me. Me! The most beautiful girl in the world likes me, Santana Lopez.

"Brittany... Thank you." She smiles softly. "You're welcome."

**Sorry that it's so short! I'll try to do better.**


	5. Chapter 5

**A.N.: Hey guys! I know it has been so long since I last updated and I'm sorry. I'll try to update more often. I don't really like this chapter and there probably many mistakes in there since I wrote it very fast, again I'm sorry. Have fun reading and review :-)**

Reasons to live for

Chapter 5

Santana's POV:

I'm still a bit shaken up when I get to my next class. Did this really just happen? She likes me? I feel myself starting to grin stupidly again. That's until another thought creeps into my mind. She doesn't know me. She likes me for who I pretend to be, no one actually likes someone like me. She would be disgusted if she knew and then I'd be there alone again. I can't lose her before I even really got to know her... I couldn't handle that... That's the moment I decided she will never know.

The rest of the day I don't have any classes with her, but I'm seeing her later for the tutoring thing in Spanish. Normally when someone asked me to tutor them I would make something up like I have to work on my other subjects or something, cause I couldn't risk getting attached to people. People hurt you. They disappoint you and betray you. They swear they love you and then leave you alone to whatever will happen. But with Brittany, I don't know. I'm really excited to see her. To see her smile and hear her voice, just everything. She didn't judge me. Not many people can do that. She's special, I know it.

Now I'm standing at her front door with my spanish book in my hand trying to think of something to say when she opens the door. I went home after school to change and re-do my hair and makeup. I knew he wouldn't be there, so there were no problems. "Hello Santana!" She smiles excitedly. Either she really likes doing spanish work or she's excited to see me. It's option two how I'll learn later. "Hey! Ready for some spanish work?" I say as she motions for me to come in. Why did I say that?! It sounded so damn stupid, but she just smiles."Yes I am but I warn you I'm a terrible speaker, not that you get offended or something cause I rape your first language." She lets out a short laugh and I force a smile. I didn't hear anything of what she said after 'rape'. I desperately try not to think of him. I mean, she used it in a completely different context, it shouldn't make me freak out, right? "Santana? Are you okay?" She looks at me concerned. Damn was I that obvious? "Yeah I'm fine. I just got a bit lost in my thoughts." Apparently I was very lost in my thoughts since I didn't even realize we went upstairs in her bedroom. "Come on, sit next to me on the bed. There's no reason for you to stand in the middle of the room like that." I do how I am told and we start going through the text we currently work on in school. Turns out she knows most of the words and understands most sentences, but she can't built them that well and her pronunciation is terrible. "Ugh no offense but why has that damn language to be that complicated?!" I almost have to laugh at her pout. She looks like a four year old kid not getting the candy it wants. It's cute. Somehow. But remember, I'm straight. Okay at least mostly. It's not bad to be a little gay, is it? When I think about it I always liked girls more, but maybe that's just cause every guy reminds me of him? I don't know...

I suddenly feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. As I look on the screen I see who it's from. It's a text from my 'dad'. I inhale deeply and open it.

_Where are you little slut? You've got someone waiting for you, so you better get that worthless ass of yours here asap!_

I know when I go home now it's going to be terrible but I really don't want to know what would happen if I don't. So I do. "Hey Britt ehm I have to go I still something important to do. You can do the exercises I wrote down for you and I see you tomorrow." I'm nervous but luckily she doesn't ask any questions. "Okay. Bye Santana and thank you so much. It's much easier to understand with you. " I quickly leave the house and go to my car. Maybe a little too quick since I can see her looking confused at me through the window. But I can't risk him getting even more angry.


End file.
